Archive for the ‘thoughts’ Category

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cookie cutter world

September 18, 2008

Soon the boxes will arrive. Neat little boxes in which to pack my entire life.

To say I cannot wait to move is an understatement. My feet are itchy and I need to move. I have outgrown this piece of suburbia and need to feel new grass beneath my feet.

My family comes in fluctutations this week. One child away at camp, the husband away at work, a sleep over and a child curled on the couch playing hookey from school. They all pass each other like ships in the night. And yet I remain. Always here, never there, never going, never gone.  Sometimes I tire of being the known constant….just once in a while I would love to be the unknown integer…..

food for thought….send me an email about your sexual experiences with members of the same sex, or an email of why you never could go there. Or your fantasies you would never fulfill and why.  pierah@aol.com

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Hellooooo, is there anybody in there?

August 15, 2008

OMG, it’s been forever. 

I had actually forgotten I possessed a blog….I know, it takes a special kind of stupid to forget (and yes I am qualified, I am  amongst that very special breed of women who forget to eat….so tar me with the special-stupid brush and let us move on)

What have I been doing? Ugh, I wish I had something other to say than the post-teenage wangst/ possible midlife crisis crap that is about to spew out into the intarwebs like aunt Flossies dirty washing, so please, if you are not given to the dramatics every once in awhile, now would be the time to avert your eyes, and go clip your toenails or pour yourself a glass of wine and sort through the overstuffed filing cabinet in the study.

The boy is still experiencing issues with his bowels. Three weeks of persistant diarreah (or diarick as my six year old calls it) has seen us back at the Doctors surgery and another round of testing under way. Should have results by tuesday.  But boy, that’s one thing they don’t put in the job description for “Mummy”.  It took me 13 hours to get a stool sample from my ten year old. He would forget and flush after he was done….motherhood….so very G L A M O R O U S….(thankyou Fergie, I will never forget how to spell glamorous as long as I live.)

I have a girl-child in the throws of puberty. If I find the hormone fairy, I swear I will snap her fucking hormone activating wand and shove it up her glittery ass. Sideways. 

My husband has been away much of the past few months with work. He’s home now for a few months. Thankfully.  We celebrated our 14 th anniversary seperately. He at work fending off advances from men on Oxford street (I did warn him he was too pretty to wander the streets alone after dark)  me fending off advances from an ex boyfriend who simply cannot live with out me.  WTF? Dude. it’s been 15years. No I will not run away with you to Rome. (As tempting as that may be)

When the hell did I become THAT woman?  he is persistant and stubborn and not thinking clearly. And because I care about him I am probably a little more gentle with his heart than I should be.

I am down a dog, since the female dog took to biting the ten year old. I am not sure why. I never wanted the second dog to begin with, but the husband will look at me with those pretty blue eyes and pouting his kissable lips and say pretty please in a way that I simply cannot say no to. I mean our cat thinks he’s a dog anyway. Seriously. The bloody thing comes when you whistle.  ( I love my cat)

On top of it all, I believe I have gone temporarily insane. As the husband and I seriously consider and persue homeschooling our children for the next two years. We have an interstate move…again. Which sees the switching of grades, curriculum and the fifth school in the last five years that my daughter will have to be the new kid at yet again. The upside, I can indulge my inner snob and teach them cool subjects like Latin, I just wish I could find a secular latin programme I was comfortable with. 

so there you have it.

Let the madness begin…..

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Mind Dumping

September 12, 2007

I was thinking to day about writing methods. Since, I seem to have done very little writing in the past week. Of anything. the blog serves as a means of writing something. With the slim hope that will fire up enough anything into myself to make me keep writing something of substance long after I hit the publish button.

Yesterday as I sat drinking a cup of coffee, I scribbled notes, ambiguous, abstract notes of something that has been stirring in my mind for a long time.  I have paper all over the house with scribbles and scrawls, sometimes just a single word, stained napkins with a paragraph or random thought, post it notes stuck to random surfaces….in short my entire house is a notebook full of my scribblings.

Yet very few of those scribbles ever make it into anything concrete. And the purpose of this post? Nothing. I am mind dumping. Writing myself in circles, waiting for lightning to strike.

And wondering if anything more will come after I hit publish……..

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TBOR- more thoughts and an explanation of sorts

August 24, 2007

Some more thoughts and some already stated on the Book of Revelation that I wrote about in my other blog. I will no doubt at some later stage return to the topic of sexual crime and man as victim, since that is what the film is about and my reason for disliking it is for turning what should have been a powerful look into the debilitating nature of this kind of crime was turned more into an erotic fantasy that has completely and utterly castrated the whole original concept of the film in the first place.  Forgive the repetiveness, but it just bugged me so much I would have to dig for a week to remove the bug from my ass.  So here’s what I wrote in the other blog,

                                                              * 

Today is all about procrastination. I am putting off doing the ironing.

So I thought I’d tell you all a little story, that really isn’t a story at all, is just me rambling and doing what I do best, avoiding the mountain of ironing that awaits.

Anyone who has ever met us would know that the husband and I are completely different (and not just by genitalia) I mean we are totally different. The only thing we have in common (aside from our offspring) is that we are both rabid and fervent Rugby League fanatics. (He moreso than I)
I am a lover of words. As a child books were my heroin. I shot up volumes of Shakespear, snorted Bronte and Austin, smoked the great books of the western world and ate literature like candy. I was brought up in a house that encouraged political passion and debate at dinner, that was socially aware and lived an excessively bohemian existence.

My husbands world was very different. It was working class full of 6-5 and overtime. Chops and sausages and dinner infront of the tv. Camping once a year and kids sitting in the car waiting for Dad to remember them and bring them a packet of twisties until he was done drinking at the pub and took them home.

The closest thing to culture my husband had ever experienced was the time his mum accidentally bought natural yogurt instead of sour cream at the supermarket. The only literature he had ever read was The Hobbit, that he was introduced to in his year 7 english/lit class. It was the only book he had ever read before he met me, when he was 20.

So it really should have come as no surprise that he thought Michelangelo was a Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtle, that Virgil was a thunderbird (not a poet) and that real men don’t eat quiche. Which means we see the world in completely different ways. Somehow we work, we have over the years rubbed off on each other, each muting and magnifying certain aspects of each other. (Though no one in his family will watch the news with me, apparently my ranting at the tv scares them)

So it would be only natural that our tastes in movies are completely different. Now I don’t mind the odd war movie. (In fact we own pretty much all of them including every epsiode of MASH) My husband is as Army as they come. Had we been americans he’d have been the best goddam marine the US Army would have ever seen. So his taste naturally lies in War and action movies.

Me? Well for one thing I love to laugh. I especially like intelligent comedy. Wit, puns, dry, black, sarcasm, it’s all good. but I do have a ridiculous love for the kind of movies that deconstruct boundaries and force us to face taboo. (Bad Boy Bubby comes to mind as the most successful movie to combine humour and taboo in the most engaging of ways, making Australian Film a force to be reckoned with and then leave us wondering why we have failed to make such a remarkable impact since.)

Enter a small DVD, Australian and poorly recieved by critics. I wanted to see it for myself. Had to see it for myself. It promised to tear down gender stereo-types, make us see men and women in ways we had never seen them before. At least that was the promise. The husband of course was resistant to the idea. but since he really is a good husband he sat through it with me. And thank god he did. Without his pithy quips and his pained expression and the six pack he was forced to scull simply to endure the first 20 minutes had me laughing out loud where otherwise I would have fallen asleep before Greta Sacchi had even uttered the words “I want you to dance without ego”.

Now, normally when I write about movies I have watched, it’s because I like them so I warn the reader of any spoiler I might accidently allow to pass onto the screen in my desire to talk about what I have seen, however, in the case of The Book of Revelations….this is not the case.
1. I did not like it Sam I am, I would not watch it in the can, I could not would not Sam I am.
2. Spoilers? What spoilers? The whole movie is nothing more than a slow torturous sucking of 119 minutes of your life that could have been better spent ironing or cleaning the kitty litter tray.
3. I will tell you everything, to spare you the indiginity of having to watch it for yourself.

Daniel is a dancer. (modern ballet or something, whatever it is, it is mind numbingly dull and I would rather have my eyeballs peeled like grapes then watch an actual performance)
His sour puss girlfriend (also a dancer) sends him out for cigarettes and he doesn’t come back. Greta Sacchi is the choreographer and Collin Friells (the only saving grace of the movie) is a cop who was once married to her, she asks him to look for Daniel.

Daniel returns after 12 days. During which he was abducted by 3 hooded and masked women who chained him to the floor and used him as their sexual puppet. (An idea my husband thought would be awesome in typical testosterone fashion) What ensues is Daniels downward spiral as he attempts to come to grips with his victimisation and goes in pursuit of his attackers ending in a violent episode that really, leaves one feeling kind of flat. More of an anti-climax really.

The movie was supposed to offer up the role of victim for examination. Man as victim in particular and the stigma attatched to men as victims of sexual crime. (And woman as perpetraitor) Unfortunately the whole tone and mood of the movie falls flat on its own unemotional delivery. The dialogue is stilted and unanimated. No one seems to ever get really angry until the final climax, which in itself seems to be contained rather than the explosive finale one would expect.

I realise the awkwardness of the acting and direction is meant to reflect on the awkwardness of the material, but it didn’t work. It touched lightly on the subject, for example where Daniel goes to the police to report that “his friend” was abducted by three women and the two police officers laugh “Half his luck” and so the crime remains unreported.

It touched lightly on it when chained to the ground Daniel begs to be freed so he can use the bathroom and he is left there, lying in his own urine until one of the hooded women comes to his aide, removes his clothing and gives him a slightly erotic sponge bath. If they wanted to truly debase him they would have left him completely naked and chained, exposed in the same way a man would leave a woman. It seemed to want to challenge the generalisations but failed to really pull through. Probably the most frightening thing he underwent was when they released his wrists and ankles and instead chained him to the wall by his balls.

Daniel then leaves his dance company and returns to the spot on the road he was dumped, to trace back his steps in an effort to seek out his assailants. In my husbands words, “You gotta commend his tactics, screw every woman you meet in an effort to find the three.” Which is basically what he does. Because his abusers allowed him to see their naked bodies and the identifying marks by which he could some day indentify them. (One had a tatoo on her hip, one had a tatoo on her breast and one had a big birth mark on her ass)

Throughout the movie the husband would pipe up with the same machoistic reactions as the cops. Half his luck, go with it buddy just go with it. It was a highly erotic movie with sex scenes being somewhat explicit. Not XXX explicit but certainly explicit enough for the R rating. What was lost on my husband was the movies subtle attempt to show that this was infact rape. When there is no sexual consent, it is a sexual crime to continue to engage in a sexual act with someone who has expressed no desire to be involved.

It was however slightly more successful in showing just how debilitating this kind of crime is on men. On the stigma atatched to reporting the crime. On the debate that if he was able to perform then obviously you can’t really class that as rape now can we? of course we can. Sexual stimulation will achieve the required result even if one party is unwilling. In the case of men, more so, since anatomically it does seem to have a will of it’s own. It does open up a lot of points to address but never really does it adequately enough.

I believe most will still see this movie as three women seducing a man rather than three women objectifying and raping a man. Because the film fails to really go to the great depths of villification. It has swept them aside and replaced them with erotocism, which damages the whole plot.

Collin Friels as a cop who specialises in sexual crimes, is the only one who brings any real warmth, persona and life to the film. He is fluid and emotive, and yet he is the only alive thing in a world of dancers where their art itself relies on emotion, fluidity and passion, and yet they all seem devoid of emotion at all.

The cinematography is pretty good. The scenes of the melbourne alley ways where Daniel is abducted are beautifully done. But otherwise, the movie holds no real appeal. What it promises it fails to deliver.

119 minutes of wasted time. The husband now gloats.

God I hate it when he’s right.

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The Book of Revelation (incomplete thoughts)

August 22, 2007

 The husband and I  sat down to watch The Book Of Revelation.  Now TBOR is an Australian film. It was directed by Ana Kokkinos and honestly I hate agreeing with the husband on this note the movie quite frankly sucked.  It had so much promise. (Well it could have….had it been written better, directed better. )

One word….Ballet! Now, I am not a ballet going type. I hired the movie on the premise that it would deconstruct the idea of stereotyped gender rolls, make me rethink the male as victim and woman as aggressor, when really all it did was suck the life out of you for 119minutes.  But oh the dance scenes….it was like having my fingernails pulled. It was slow and torturous and if not for my husbands pithy comments and pained expression that made me laugh out loud I probably would have fallen asleep before Greta Sacchi even uttered I want you to dance without ego.

It did nothing to address man as victim save for a few small moments when Daniel goes to the police station to report that his “friend” had been abducted by three women and he was promptly laughed at.

The dialogue was stilted and awkward and though I am sure it was meant to be, to protray the stilted and awkwardness of the material, it really didn’t work for the film on any level.

So Daniel (our hero of the film) is abducted by three women. Three hooded women who also wear masks. They chain him up and for 12 days they use him as their sexual play thing. (My husband meanwhile is sitting there wondering why this is a bad thing)  The point is meant to be that men can be victims too. That being seduced by three women is very different to being chained to the ground and made to perform for three women. (Something that is lost entirely on a man like mine) That sexual consent is sexual consent regaurdless of gender. And none was forthcoming.

But the film didn’t handle this very well. The only thing that seemed to victimise Daniel at all was a few small moments, one were he pisses himself because they won’t unchain him(they do however give him a somehwat slightly erotic sponge bath and change his clothes) and the other when they release the chains from his wrists and ankles and chain him instead by his balls.

Even his downward spiral in his quest to seek out his abusers was poorly done. Although in my husbands words…”I gotta commend his method of fucking as many women as he can till he finds the right ones.”

Collin Friels as a cop who specialises in sexual abuse  and who was the ex husband of the choreographer of Daniels dance company was the only saving grace in this film. His scenes were steeped with feeling, they were more fluid, less inhibited, which is kind of ridiculous given that the world of the dancers is so stilted, so robotic and unfeeling, since dance is supposedly all about emotion.  (There is one dance scene that seemed powerful to me, Daniel on his own, dancing his story, his abuse.  but it is short lived.)

I felt incredibly let down by Australian Film. I have always been moved by its ability to shock, to dissect human failings at the very core, to really challenge the way we think by persuing taboo. (Think Bad Boy Bubby)

I wanted to like this movie.  It’s a sad state of affairs when I would rather watch The Marine.

The Book of Revelations, time that would have been better spent doing the ironing. Perhaps when I have given the movie more time to sink in, to really think about what it was that rubbed me the wrong way about this film, then I can construct a more articulate criticism, but really, I just can’t form the words I really want. It really was that awful.

And I know it will be a cold day in Hell before my husband watches an Australian Film with me again.  

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The girl is the mist…

August 13, 2007

The sun that streams through the window is blinding. Glaring even. It hurts my eyes. And yet it fails to heat, there is no warmth. Today I only have one child who feels out of sorts and he sits curled on the lounge in the other room, a blanket wrapped round him like a coccoon, his favourite stuffed Rat beside him, watching old cartoons and reading Franklin Books.  Last week, all three were down. One with fever, vomitting and a cough that would seem more at home coming from an 80 year old man rather than my small nine year old son.

The book still comes in dribs and drabs, but the words have been dulled and seem harder to hear through the haze of cold and flu preparations.

Mugs of hot tea are my constant companions, I sip them slowly, warming my hands. I know it’s not really cold outside, but in here, there is a chill that sinks it’s teeth deep in my bones.

Maybe tomorrow, when the fog clears and the glare dims I will have something a little more engaging to say…..

Maybe.  

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the girl on the bus

July 30, 2007

This latest piece of writing has me all at sea. Firstly, it’s not like other pieces. They evolved slowly, a spark, an idea, a rough plot. But this. This is a solitary character, dictating to me as I type. She talks and I type. There seems to be no plot, as yet. She’s just talking like a random stranger on a bus, telling me snippets of a life. I don’t know where all the pieces fit, or why.  And yet even as she speaks, I feel she is secondary.

I don’t normally write like this. It’s new and strange and I am not at all  sure it will turn out to be anything viable, at least not yet anyway. I tend to be a write by the seat of my pants kind of gal anyway, but usually I at least know the outcome. (the journey tends to  take me by surprise, but not the beginning or the end. )

 I keep typing though, hoping for iilumination, sooner rather than later.

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writers angst

July 25, 2007

Writing can mess with your head. Seriously. Having only written a handful more words today than I did yesterday, I have sat staring at the screen, my mind working overtime, deconstructing sentences, trying to find where I am coming from.

When I was a kid I used to write stories compulsively. They were always about a girl and her Dad, her mother either having died or runaway. They always lived in shacks and the Dad was always either a farmer or a fisherman. Always.  Looking back, I can see I was dealing with my feelings of abandonment from the men in my life.  (My family details are complex and complicated)

Now as an adult, I find myself writing about women. relationships between mothers, daughters, sisters and friends.  I have strange relationships with my sisters. I don’t have a relationship at all with my mother and my relationship with my daughter is probably the only healthy female relationship within the familial confines that I have.

Which puts me in a pickle. Because no matter what I write, there’s so much of myself staring back at me from the page that I find it startling.  And a little unnerving.

Is it always necessary to sacrifice a small piece of yourself for your art? It’s a painful experience. To pour your blood onto the page.

well, let the blood run free.

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1000 a day or die

July 25, 2007

I’m still sick. I have been oozing seven shades of mucos and hacking up my left lung for what feels like days now, with no end in sight. And somehow yesterday whilst curled in on myself on the lounge with a hot mug of tea and a book, I was actually inspired. 

I dragged out the laptop and my fingers flew at the speed of a fast snail (which is break neck speed when your head is full of sinus congestion and a thousand tiny red hot hammers pounding away)

But I did it. I wrote 1100 words and the best part is I like them all. I don’t know what they are a part of, or where exactly they fit in, but it’s there, finally, bubbling just beneath the surface breaking free in mini spurts between body wracking spasms.

 I only hope I can finish before I am well, or at least hold onto the cloudiness in my head so the words can free fall until I am done.  If not, I’ll get my small boy to breathe all over me. “Come make mummy sick so she can write…” Now there’s a writing method that warrants some examination.

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waiting for rain

July 6, 2007

Somewhere in the dark cobwebby regions of my infrequently used brain there are coherant and seemingly intelligent thoughts that sit brewing like storm clouds ready to burst….

I wish it would happen soon.